Welcome to "Cocktails & Conversation," where modern luminaries throughout the industry are ready to unpack their most memorable soirees. Myka Meier first launched Beaumont Etiquette in London as a way to bring innovative perspectives and approaches to etiquette that feel relative in today's world. The company has since moved to the United States where Meier offers classes for all ages in courses in British, Continental European, and American etiquette. Meier has a pulse on all things entertaining especially when it comes to hosting and attending extravagant parties. Here, the entrepreneur lets us in on why she feels a seating plan is always a must and if it's okay to send an email invitation.
Party Style
From whom did you learn what a good party, at any time of year, should look, taste like, smell, and feel like?
Myka Meier: This one is easy! My parents taught me what it was like to throw a good party! To this day, my mom throws an amazing party and my dad can find just about any occasion to do so! I grew up in a mixed heritage background, with my mom from Boston and my dad from Barbados, so combined, they would always add in this casual-elegant flare from both sides that makes people feel special but comfortable. One of my favorite party memories includes my mom in beautiful linen trousers and barefoot serving everyone sitting on Adirondack chairs on the dock her coconut shrimp, stuffed jalapeños and fresh mango margaritas picked from our yard. Much of our family parties growing up had a tropical touch- even at Christmas! There is a lot of chatter and laughter at our parties.
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One thing I learned by watching my mom is to touch upon all senses of a guest when entertaining- from the music to set the ambiance to the décor to visually excite people as they walk in, the food and drinks to taste and smell. My dad also taught me to make people comfortable the moment they enter your home…. Take their things, introduce them to others, have a delightful drink on hand to offer, a delicious canapé, and you’re on your way to a great party! Now, as I host parties, I take a lot of these pieces of advice and put them into my own entertaining.
Are there any notable figures in history whose legacy you see as a bit of roadmap for good hosting?
MM: Anna Duchess of Bedford was the originator of a tea party as we know it today! She would dress in her best, put out her most fabulous décor, food and tea to ensure everyone felt special when they were being entertained by her! Everyone used to dress to the nines and come bearing gifts for her in hopes they would be invited again. Her party was the chicest invite in town. What I also like is that she dressed in her best to show respect to her guests, and in return they did the same. I mention her a lot in my tea training courses that I instruct.
What separates a good party from a bad party?
MM: I think the biggest difference between a good party and a bad is the guest list! Half the party is good company- so make it a fun and entertaining guest list and you may even wish to invite some new personalities to mix things up! I once threw a party where everyone was asked to bring one guest (aside from any partners that were already coming!) that I never had met before. It was one of the best evenings because there were so many new faces in the room and a lot of excitement!
Someone who read my book but that I had never met sent me a formal invitation (plus guest!) to a black-tie party in NYC with a sweet note saying she loved my book and sounded like I would have some good stories to tell at the party! Although I had never met her, I RSVPd yes, and my husband and I arrived in black-tie event with bells on!
Another example is at my wedding my husband and I had all the gentlemen get up and move two seats to their right before dessert was served so everyone would get a chance to meet more people!
If you were writing a book about hosting holiday parties, what would be in Chapter 1?
MM: Right off the bat, we have to talk about…. The Five Party Senses, which would be about my mom’s way of making sure each is met as guests arrive to create a great event!
Think of someone who has been to a number of your gatherings. What would they say they always count on at your parties? Always a surprise to be found, an abundance of food and unique treats! For example, my husband is from Switzerland and as we live in NYC, everyone always finds anything fun we can bring in from his culture so special. When we travel to Switzerland, I always come back with something special to share at my next party. This past Christmas we had all of our friends over for a holiday fondue party, with milk and hazelnut chocolate we had recently brought over, schnapps from Zurich, traditional Swiss décor, and my husband’s family fondue recipe!
What is the single most important thing to you in throwing a magical holiday party?
MM: I think it’s at some point having an element of surprise! I love having elements throughout the party that people don’t expect! Does each person have a little gift on their chairs when they sit for a meal? Were there personalized or homemade place cards? Does Santa appear or do you hear bells on the roof? Is there a gingerbread house or holiday cookie-making station, a group of Christmas carolers who will arrive, a trolly tour of the neighborhood lights with beverages on board? I also think it’s important to make everyone feel fantastic as soon as they arrive, make it memorable and personalized.
Conversation
When arranging the setting, how important is fostering good conversation? What is absolutely essential to ensure this?
MM: A seating chart! Place people next to others who they will enjoy speaking to, or get to know. I draw out my seating charts ahead of time and make place cards for everyone. A good seating chart is an art form!
What's the best conversation you’ve had at a party?
MM: I think when people can add humor into a first conversation, they instantly put people at ease. I also love when people ask questions you don’t expect. I remember at a recent party someone asked me “if you weren’t an etiquette instructor, what on earth would you be?” and it not only caught me off guard (in a good way) but made the conversation exciting to be in and also was a great question for me to ask him back.
Explain your thought process on the art of curating a guest list. What's the right amount of people, do they know each other, etc.?
MM: This fully depends on the style of party you are having. A cocktail party can be amazing with 100 people, but a dinner party I prefer 12 or under for great conversation and connection. I think it does not really matter if people know one another or not to have a great dinner party, but more just what the people sitting next to one another might have in common. Do two friends who have never met both loves to travel? Then they may be excellent seatmates! I always avoid sitting guests in gender clusters for a dinner party- mix everyone in!
Another tip: move the party around. If you have different rooms available for entertaining, have cocktails start in one room and then move everyone to the dining table and have after-dinner drinks in a third area or room. It mixes people and keeps the conversation lively.
Table and Florals
Do you develop a seating plan for dinner parties—why or why not?
MM: Always! People want to know where they should sit. Take the guesswork out of the night for guests.
What's your philosophy when pairing dinner partners? Is this an art?
MM: Interestingly, in formal etiquette, a couple wouldn’t be sat next to one another unless they are celebrating an occasion (anniversary, birthday, etc.). I pair people pending what they have in common. I also think it’s perfectly fine pending the environment, the formality of the event, and/or family dynamic to have a children’s table for the holidays! I also think it’s quite as fine to mix children in with adults if they are old enough and appropriate.
What should every good host keep in mind when planning and setting a holiday table, in terms of place settings and centerpieces?
MM: Centerpieces should be low enough or high enough (think high candelabras) so that guests can easily look across the table at one another! Tablescapes I find the most magical are ones that incorporate little treats for your eyes to catch even after they are seated. Tiny, small details that make each guest smile. And candles, plenty of candles.
Guests/Invitations/Etiquette
What is your advice for host gifts? What makes a meaningful, thoughtful gift rather than something that just checks the box? Examples?
MM: Something that tells a story (I got this for you on my last trip to XX), that is personalized or homemade are my favorite gifts. A jar of honey from your local farm, a basket of fresh lemons from your trees, monogrammed cocktail napkins or even your favorite holiday peppermint patty brownie recipe.
What are today’s rules of being a good host and guest—in other words, we all know the time-honored dos and don’ts (punctuality, not over-serving yourself, not jetting out after dinner). But today, we have phones, we have Instagram, we have open kitchens, we have oodles of dietary preferences… What is the modern code for good guesting?
MM: Think about your guests' needs before they even know what they’ll need. With phones: taking a few photos of the festive décor is okay, but don’t bring the phones into dinner. Turn the TV off during parties and substitute with festive music. TVs are the anti-social party bomb.
Is it necessary to mention on the invitation what the “dress” is?
MM: I always say “take the guesswork from guests”, and if you expect a certain dress code then say it. If a party is cocktail attire, be clear about it. You don’t want to embarrass one guest who didn’t guess correctly and showed up to casual.
Speaking of invitations, have emailed invites become okay? As the world evolves, is there a way this can become more personal and chic? Or is it just expedient?
MM: The Duchess of Cambridge famously sent Prince George’s christening invitations out via an electronic platform, so I think it’s safe to say emailed invitations are not only a modern approach but one growing in popularity.
What is the most polite way for a host to signal that the holiday party is, indeed, coming to a close?
MM: If everyone has moved from the dinner table or moved rooms following a cocktail party, bring out a little coffee and tea bar with cookies, confections and water. It’s a gentle hint that you are not walking around offering cocktails any longer, but coffee and tea instead!
In your opinion, what should today’s hosts think more about? Less about? In other words, what's your best advice for today’s holiday parties?
MM: I have two pieces of advice here. 1. You don’t need to throw a formal party for it to be nice, special and magical. 2. Don’t worry about following someone else’s holiday traditions but create your own! My favorite holiday party memory from last year was shucking oysters on the dock at sunset with my family!
Photo sharing from a party, meaning posting pics on social media when you’re a guest—Does a gracious guest first ask permission from the host?
If you are a guest at someone’s home or party, I always think it doesn’t ever hurt to ask before you post…even if you think the host won’t mind. A simple “I have these gorgeous photos of your holiday event and wanted to check to see if you would be okay for me to post them and tag you?” Use extra caution before posting if the photos include the inside of someone’s home, photos of someone else in the frame, or people eating or drinking. Always ask before you post photos that have other people’s children in them.
What about guests having their phones out during a party?
Having phones out over a meal or social event completely changes the dynamic of a group. It can be distracting for others and also could be offensive if you are on your phone and not present with those around you. I recommend phones stay on silent or vibrate and in handbags or in pockets for meals or during social events. By taking phones out even to reference something causes a pause in conversation, changes the focus and often encourages other people to pull out their phones too.
